Papworth part 2

My night in critical care seemed to feel like one of the longest nights I’d had. Some parts I remember, but bits I can’t quite recall. What I mainly remember is being put into one of their hospital gowns and  a line I had put in my neck. The worry at the time was that they were going to have to operate the following day. However, over night I was comfortable and did not have anymore funny turns. I knew at some point I would have surgery, so I think I must have spent most of overnight asking all these questions about what happens. I felt the need to know every detail, so I could prepare myself. I guess I had many feelings about the surgery and one memory I remember more than any was the fear of coming round from the op with a tube down my throat. For some reason, I feared this more than anything. I watched patients in critical care that were coming round from their operations and could see they were kind of awake. I guess I felt I just didn’t want the awareness of a tube in my mouth. I thought it would make me gag and I’d have to pull it out or even that I would feel like I couldn't breathe. I also feared the op itself. Knowing someone is going to open you up and cut your breastbone open to expose your organs seems brutal.  I had to accept it though, this was what would help make me better I hoped. I could not go on any longer trying to walk only a few yards and the feeling of fainting just frightened me.

 You start thinking all sorts, like am I going to be aware, or will I feel something. These questions all seem silly now but you try to imagine what it’s going to be like. I also feared death. I was so ill at the time that later I was told I had only been weeks away from death. I guess all my wrongs I wanted to put right, if I were to not come round from this operation and die. The thought of death frightened me more than anything. I was afraid that I would go to sleep and never wake up. When faced with this fear, you want to put all things right that you have done. It wasn’t guilt I felt, but the need to reconcile with all that had gone on in that last year. When your near to death, it makes you try to reach out in ways you would not believe. It’s something I still can’t explain to anyone now. All I knew was death was very near by and I didn't want my life to be over.

Within a week, after being taken to critical care, I had my PTE surgery. All was explained before my operation. I remember being given a book about the surgery, but I had so much of it explained to me in critical care that reading it too was just too much. I only knew that I wanted to be better and with the surgeon telling me that I wouldn’t walk out of the hospital again with out PTE surgery, I knew there was only one choice for me to make...