Until last year, I struggled doing so many things. Everything seemed so frustrating at the time. My main frustrations were not being able to walk very far. Although, it had been a gradual descent over the years, last year had become the most noticeable for me:I longed just to be able to get up a flight of stairs without having a rest half way, I also longed to be able to do just ‘normal’ things with friends, without getting exhausted. At times it was completely embarrassing that I was not able to walk more than ten yards without getting out of breath! The most frightening time I had with my deteriorating health was on holiday, last August. Now I know it was the biggest mistake I could have made to go when clearly I wasn’t well enough to be there. I felt I could cover up just how bad I really was. I had no explanation for why I had got this bad, so it seemed easier to pretend I was O.K. The worst memory of this holiday, was when I had to try walking to a place where there stood some ancient stones. I recall getting out of the car and trying to make my way across the field. I literally had only walked a matter of yards and was beginning to struggle to breathe. My chest began to feel like it was constricted and the palpitations began to start. I almost felt as though I was going to faint. I saw some small stones in front of me and had to sit down on them to let the feeling stop. I remember feeling tears welling up in my eyes because I felt overwhelming frustration and anger. All I wanted to do was to be able to walk. In the end we had to give up because I would have had to walk miles. I couldn’t walk yards, so miles would have probably killed me! That day continued to prove awkward for me. The next place we visited was an old castle ruin. Places like this I truly love. They have this sense of atmosphere about them. Unfortunately, the overwhelming fainting feeling returned once more. I decided I want to walk up the stairs to get to the top to see the view of the Scottish land. There wasn’t just one flight to contend with though. As I began to walk the winding staircase to the top, I gradually started to fell the dizziness, breathless and the racing of my heart. I made it halfway, but then started to feel a panic attack emerging. I had to get back down to the bottom. When I arrived at the bottom, the feeling was still there and I thought the panic would not end. I was asked what was wrong and my response was that I felt funny walking up the stairs. The surprising response I had to this was a roll of the eyes, like I was deliberately trying to be awkward. My feelings were hurt by this but I kept quite and said nothing. That day ended pretty badly for me. Instead it turned me into someone who was apparently ‘just being awkward’. Because of it, it started an argument. One which I had not expected. I passed the situation of as nothing being ‘wrong’, however, this was not accepted as an answer, so I then said how hard I found it to walk. That was it then, a torrid of abuse came flying my way. I was certainly very shocked by the outpouring and was told, ‘you just have to get on with it’. I guess I was too stunned to give any kind of cone back, and to let the abusive words fall from that persons’ mouth. It’s something I shall never forget and I don’t think I’ll ever really forgive.
So I guess this is part of the reason why this is my year of ‘FIRSTS’. I guess the awful feelings I had back in 2016, mean to me that everything that held me back, hasn’t really done so this year. All those things I longed to do when I felt so ill have not got in the way too much. My walking distance has gradually increased and I have learnt to adapt to this. I see now how bad a state I really was in, which took me a while to realise. Having had an operation, I can see the benefits. Although, I’m not 100% cured and still have residual PH, I make the most of things in my life.
So if you ask me if I hate New Year the answer is ‘NO’ because it’s one more year that I have made it! It’s another year of doing things I dream of doing. I like to make the most of things because you never know when things can change and mean you can no longer do the things you want to do. New Years are not so bad to me after all. Although, last year I was most certainly glad to see the back of it! It meant to me that I could begin again.
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